In a slightly odd twist of fate, I’ve gone back to school. My old school. Nearly five years after I skipped out the front door with my exam results and King’s College London future in hand, I was back, this time as staff.
It’s been nearly six months since I last wrote. I can’t believe it’s been so long. I can’t believe how much time has passed and how much has happened. So much has happened, so fast, that I’ve felt a little like I’ve been a spectator of my own life. Or maybe this is what it feels like in the eye of a storm – like life is whirling madly around you and you’re simultaneously at the centre of it but outside of it all too.
Where do I even begin?
I struggle a lot with “new year”. I struggle with New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, and January. Let’s be real – I struggle with the whole year after that, too.
I just can’t handle the overwhelm around this period. The pressure is so intense – the pressure to have an amazing New Year Eve’s, the pressure to start January 1st as you mean to go on, the pressure to change overnight and fulfil all those New Year’s resolutions overnight… It doesn’t happen for me, ever. And then the depression and demotivation set in. The feeling that I’m a failure because I’ve ruined 2017 already and it’s barely started.
This post is accompanied by sunsets and sunrises just because.
I suffered a lot from I want to be a grownup syndrome when I was younger. Suffered hard. I wish I knew where it stemmed from, why it started. I wish I’d enjoyed being a child more, enjoyed the simple freedom and innocence of that time.
But in reality, I was dreaming about becoming an adult already when I was about ten. I watched the older girls at school and women out and about and my sister and her friends and just wished. They had their flats and their glasses of wine with friends and their bills and their grocery shopping and their jobs and their boyfriends who could stay over whenever and their nights out… So much adulting that I wanted to be a part of right now.
This post is a little late because Sunday was spent doing very little, except lounging in bed and thinking about what I should be doing instead of lounging in bed… So here is last week, this week.
My friend Gabrielle likes to say that life has its ups and downs just like the tide has its ebb and flow – and that the bigger the ebb, the bigger the flow. It’s definitely true that I can’t be ecstatically happy all the time. If I was, I wouldn’t notice or appreciate it because it would be an expected, unsurprising constant. But having those periods of average and low in between just accentuates those periods of high. The past few weeks have been a bit of a plateau, with spikes in high dotted in between. Here are the spikes: